My brother had a consultation today at the cancer clinic (he has cancer; we weren’t there for the social benefits).

I love my brother but he is nuts…in a good way.

“Janey I have a…” Mij broke off halfway through a sentence.

The women near us looked up and stared at my brother wondering what it was he was going to say, you see Mij talks loudly and is funny/mental and has a history of drug problems and kinda tells it like it is.

“I think the cancer was brought on because I have a…” he broke off again; he has a really irritating speech pattern!

“Menopause” he muttered and pointed his finger up with delight at recalling the word he had lost.

The other women in the waiting room looked up and smirked.

“When did your period stop then?” I asked sarcastically and added “Does your ovaries hurt?”

“Shut up Janey-stop saying the word ‘period’ really loudly, fucksake that’s embarrassing and aye my ovaries do hurt” he hissed. The women across from us started to giggle; I caught their eye and smiled with them.

“Mij, you need to know that you don’t have ovaries and only humans with a womb can have a menopause…you know like WOMEN” I spluttered through my laughter.

His face was crimson, he dropped his head and mumbled “Not menopause, I meant something else…I canny remember now” he started laughing and the women joined in.

I shook my head and went over to the tea bar in the hospital and ordered two teas.

“That will £1.11 please” the lady put her hand out.

“That’s a really unusual amount, how much is it for one tea?” I asked with confusion in my voice.

“It’s the way the till works one tea is 55 pence and two teas is £1.11” she answered.

I cannot begin to tell you how much that sum of money played in my head, why was it one pound eleven pence for two teas? How can that be? This conundrum went round and round my head till I heard my brother’s name being shouted…at last his menopause can be attended to!

Mij and I went into the consultation room. The cancer specialist opened a clean sheet of paper and started asking medical questions.

Doctor- “Tell me how this all began”

Mij- “Well one day Calum looked at my neck”

Doctor- “Who is Calum? Is he a doctor?”

Mij- “ No he is my grandson, he is eight years old, but he saw a lump on my neck and said it was cancer and then Cooper looked at it…”

Doctor- “Is Cooper a doctor?”

Mij- “No he is my dog and then…”

ME- “Mij get to the point”

Mij- “Yes I had a lump on my neck and I went to the docs and he sent me to the hospital and it was diagnosed after a biopsy”

I breathed a sigh of relief at this, you see Mij is funny and chatty and likes to spin a yarn and can make a small story into War & Peace (sound like someone we know? Yes me) anyway the very lovely patient doctor asked another question.

Doctor- “Do you suffer from any other illnesses?”

Mij- “No I am really fine”

ME- “Maybe the HIV is worth mentioning” I hissed.

Mij- “Oh aye my sister is right, I am HIV since 1986, but Calum says I am good at taking the medicine but he lives far away now but I am going for a visit because Cooper is being looked after by Simon and he had OCD and can actually stick together letters that have been shredded…”

ME- “Mij the point…please stick to it” I nudged him as he was off on a big tirade about his mental pals and nutty dog.

Doc- “Did you get the HIV from dirty needles?”

Mij- “No I never shared a needle in my life but my girlfriend at the time forgot to mention she was a hooker” Mij smiled as he threw this information into the ring, he is good at delivery of some lines I have to admit.

At this point I felt the only way to lighten the mood was to say something funny so I added “Mij thought he was having his menopause” and I giggled.

The doctor looked at me like I was really imbecilic and Mij kept an incredibly straight face, leaned over and said “Janey only women have a menopause that’s not even funny, especially as I have cancer and HIV and you are trying to crack silly jokes”

The doctor looked at me really distastefully and Mij shook his head in derision at me, then turned and winked.
I couldn’t stop laughing inside as he had managed to make me look a fool.

How funny is that?

Mij got through the whole consult and came out and we fell about laughing in each others arms, recalling the menopause joke and Mij talking about his dog.

I miss him and he makes me laugh like no one else.

Get well soon Dear Mij.

0 Comments

Rank it:

This one is in Dunfermline though, which is the birth place of Andrew Carnegie, the wee town is awesome.
The hall was amazing and the crowd were wonderful.

Dunfermline is a pretty town and the architecture is stunning.

Though I did come across and annoying bastard.

I walked to the local café ironically called “Fresh” because fresh for a fight was what I got from a pedantic man who owned it.

The café boasts internet at £1.50 for 30 minutes. Now those of you, who know me, will recall my never ending fight with the internet and it’s not always reliable.

So I sat down outside the Fresh café to check if I could actually get online.

The waitress came out and asked me if I wanted to buy something.

“Would you mind waiting for a moment, I need to check I can get on the web, because if I cant get online, I will need to go as I have a deadline to meet, so please bear with me a second” I answered and she smiled and agreed.

Before I could even check the online status a tall skinny man who was unloading stuff into the café came over and said “You are cheeky”

I looked at him and people around me smirked at his comment.

“Excuse me but I did say to the waitress that I need to check if your web works before I make a purchase, as the only reason I will buying something is to get online, which costs £1.50 and I will have to pay for so I don’t think I am being cheeky” I answered back.

“You are sitting in my seats so you need to buy something” he quipped back.

“Yes, I will be paying for the web IF IT WORKS, so I am checking that it does before I sit here with a £3 coffee and no internet” I argued back.

I stood up and lifted my laptop and added “You know what Mr nasty pants, I will just go elsewhere, I am a journalist writing about Dunfermline and how it treats its visitors, you obviously know how to do that so you can stick your FRESH Café here in Kirkgate Dunfermline right up your own back door…thanks”

I marched four steps to the café next to it called ESCAPE.

There the lady told me to sit down and check the web, she wasn’t sure if it worked and offered me a comfy seat to try it. The place was busy and smelled nice and the people didn’t have that air of ‘Snootiness’ about them.

The web came on FREE! I was so happy; she even gave me a free coffee because I looked so upset.
I found out from a customer in the Escape that the guy who owns the nasty Fresh café next door is a local Labour Politician and apparently he is cheeky to everyone in Dunfermline and often has that air of superiority about himself.

Well what a surprise!
So if any of you want to go to the pretty wee town of Dunfermline that gave the world the wonderful philanthropist Andrew Carnegie and houses the best café called ESCAPE in Kirkgate…do go and say hello to the lovely woman behind the counter.

Give the man next door in fresh café a sneer from me.

0 Comments

Rank it:

Am just home from Dundee, it was amazing. Honestly so lovely and the people were nice. I was booked into a hotel called 25 in Dundee. It’s a boutique hotel and very much big upped itself on its webpage.
Firstly there was NO wi-fi available and you have to check into the hotel through the bar at the back which was strange.

I got to the room on the top floor and it was all lovely and smart fancy furniture but when I went to wash my hands there was no soap or hot water.
I ran back down the three flights of stairs (no lift) and explained to the bar man/concierge person about the hot water situation.

I went out a walk, came back and still no hot tap water or soap…oh well that’s what happens when the bar man is also the chambermaid.
Later on around 7pm I started to get ready for my show at Dundee Rep theatre and then discovered that there was also NO HOT water in the shower.

I ran back down all the stairs and explained this to the poor bar man who was also trying take food and drinks orders. He simply said “I am sorry we have had no hot water for ages”

“You let me check into a hotel with no running hot water? Why didn’t you say so? I know it’s a boutique hotel but surely hot water is a fucking must?” I spluttered.

To cut a long story short which incidentally involved the manager accusing me of lying about asking about the hot water earlier in the day –even when the poor bar man explained that I had asked…I left and checked into the Queens Hotel in Dundee…they had hot running water! Such a luxury…so Stefan King who owns that bloody hotel called 25 in Dundee really needs to stay there himself and see how it feels to try and shower in a freezing stream of water and deal with a manager who calls his guests LIARS.

After that I forgot to tell you what happened last Tuesday.

I watched a woman outside my local PDSA (vets for poor animals). She let her two fat dog’s shit all over the street, and she then chased them into the back of her car and prepared to drive off.
That was until I leaned over and knocked on her window “Excuse me, get out of the car and lift your dog shit up” I yelled at her.

She stared at me, rolled down the window and said “What’s it got to do with you?”

“I live here and right across the road is a children’s nursery and dog poo is a danger to them, you must know it’s wrong to leave dog crap all over the pavement” I answered.

She got out of her car and slammed it shut. Her face was fuming.
She then went into the vet’s office and came out with a plastic bag and lifted up the dog poo and threw it into the bin on the wall.

If she hadn’t I was planning on picking the dog shit up and throwing it at her car.
I may even pick up the shit and carry it up to DUNDEE and throw it at Number 25 hotel …they deserve my shit stick this week.

0 Comments

Rank it:

The Scotsman Newspaper called me last week and offered me my own column. I am so excited and scared…what if I am a shit writer…I know this blog is popular but I might be crap.

I went through to Edinburgh for the photo session as I needed a new picture for the head of the column. I was so tired and I had to wear my hair in rollers and actually travel in the car with scary rollers stuck in my head. By the time I got to Edinburgh I had a sore nippy head full of jaggy rollers and managed to put enough make up on to cover the huge spot on my top lip.

So the photo came out ok, and my first column is this coming Monday, I will be in London and miss the bloody thing unless I can find an international newsvendor.

Monica and I are going to celebrate on Monday night as I am in London for business for only one day.

On another note, I have eight kids aged 13 to 15 for two afternoons a week.
Ashley and I teach them film making tips and basic camera work, also some comedy and confidence skills.
I love them all so much and today we had a real sharing time. We got to talk about stuff that matters and witnessing them supporting each other through hard times is life affirming
I love watching them do comedy, characterisations and stand up….and they are my wee bunch of stars and I will hate letting them go next week when it ends.

So this blog is dedicated to my happy bunch of Glasgow Kids…you make me smile.

See you all next week in the Scotsman.

0 Comments

Rank it:

Husband and I went a walk down into Kelvingrove Park. There was a wee winding path that took us down to the river. As we approached the look out point there was this amazing noise, it was like a rustling and thundering running sound. I turned round and before my eyes about 46 squirrels were running down through the foliage and gathered all around me. Staring.

When they reached me they stopped dead, they stood still on the ground. They crouched frozen in the trees; they sat like statues on the flat rocks….all looking at me…expectantly and with anticipation.

It was like Hitchcock’s The Birds except with squirrels. I was scared. Their wee beady eyes were darting about, I moved and then all the squirrels moved. It was like synchronised dancing and I was the lead hoofer, the tiny grey rats with bushy tails waited for me to move and then they moved!

I was scared to breathe incase the noise alerted them…

Then they rushed towards my legs and jumped around looking at me
as if saying “Ok Fatty where are the nuts and raisins?”
I was like a reluctant Snow White…those scary wee fuckers are really creepy.

I never had nuts or fruit; they must be those city squirrels that get hand fed.
I don’t carry assorted fruits for small mammals!

“Holy Fuck is one near my head? I felt something on my head” I screamed at husband.

“No it’s a leaf that fell but there is one big squirrel dangling off the branch and it’s almost on your neck” he answered.

I moved away and watched as the wee squirrels also moved back two steps…yet still in co ordination.

The wee squirrels had these amazing bushy tails that are so soft and look like a boa scarf, the tiny wee hairs on the tails twitch around and they look like they are pixelated.

I was still scared; I don’t care how cute they looked.

At that point a few pigeons came flapping down to join the party. They weren’t welcome; the squirrels were currently acting out their own ‘Gangs of New York’ but in a small furry woodland animal version.

One pigeon spotted a wee bit of bread on the ground near my foot and waddled over to peck it and to my utter amazement a big squirrel walked over casually and PUNCHED the pigeon on the head with its wee grey midget fist!

I have never seen such aggression in a long time and I used to own a bar in the East End of Glasgow!

I think that big squirrel had a hand gun under its ass!

After the scary grey squirrels realised that I didn’t have any food to give them they stood there and sneered at me, I am sure one or two actually gave me the finger…

I am never going there again…those wee fat tree hanging fuckers scare me.

0 Comments

Rank it: