I have been having the strangest dreams lately. One took me back in time to 1974. I saw myself in a mirror in the dream and I recognised myself as a teenager back I in those days…it was really odd.

I forgot how small and curly haired I looked. The strange thing was, I was 46 inside my head and aghast at being transported back in time. The other surreal thing was people were using mobile phones in 1974 in my dream and I was cross at this obvious mistake. It was wrong and it really annoyed me, I went around telling my childhood friends in the dream that ‘Mobile phones weren’t invented in the early 70s’ and they all laughed in my face.

There were two small boys in the dream whose father was about to take them to a custody hearing and it was really stressful for them. For some reason I tried to console them and eventually came up with the bright idea to take them with me and we would all run away together.

So we started running and running and my legs felt like the wind and we all ran past this shallow pond and I looked into the pond and saw what I thought was a dead baby but actually was a doll floating in the water. I recall thinking at the time in the dream…‘That’s odd I thought that would be a dead baby as I normally see dead people in my dreams!’

Anyway I kept running and I knew the people were chasing us to bring back the two custody kids and when I turned to see how they were managing in the race I noticed they had given up and let themselves be caught.

I was so angry that they had given up so I started shouting “Run, just keep running don’t let them catch you” and that’s when my husband woke me up. He told me I was thrashing about and screaming “Run!”

My head was all foggy after that and I realised I had only been asleep for twenty minutes nap in the early afternoon. I had to get up and get ready to go host a comedy show at Edinburgh Jongleurs.
All night my head was thick and fucked up and I thought I would have a bad show, but it turned out to be alright. I had a great time onstage.

Life is weird and my dreams are odd…but I thought I would tell a surreal dream today.

0 Comments

Rank it:

I am nearly very old and I feel it, I am 46 now and truly that is old for being a stand up comic, all the other comics who are female are mostly young and sexy. I know I am old because…

1) I actually use the handles on my bath and now stick my feet onto the bath non slip surface to get a good purchase grip when getting out. When I was young, those rough patches on the bath annoyed me and I hated cleaning them, now I keep them rough with a pumice stone.

2) When I try to tie my hair up with a clasp, the stretch hurts my under arms.

3) There are grey eyebrows appearing and there is one long grey ‘Witches Hair’ growing out of my chin.

4) My knee makes a strange squeaky noise when I climb the stairs.

5) Sex exhausts me for all the wrong reasons.

6) A multiple orgasm may induce a stroke, so I avoid them at all costs and concentrate on flower arranging during any sexual contact.

7) I almost peed when I sneezed last week.

8) There is a big brown freckle on my hand that may look like a liver spot that old people get.

9) The young guys in the street don’t offer me free flyers to get into sexy night clubs; in fact they offer to help me with my shopping bags.

10) Old women on the bus turn to me to chat about the weather and expect an answer; don’t they know I still fancy 50 Cent?

11) I know all the words to Rappers Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang and can recall the exact day in October 1979 when rap first burst onto our airwaves through the radio.

12) I can recall live pictures from the Vietnam War on the BBC News.

13) When I dance, people snigger and listen for my hips snapping.

14) Old men with smelly jackets and tufty hair, ask me for my phone number and use the chat up line “Did we meet at the bingo?”

15) I wear socks to bed and no longer choose underwear for sex value, preferring cotton and easy wash attributes, I used to wear uncomfortable bright sexy lacy gear.

16) My baby niece Abi asked me if I had owned a Penny Farthing bike which we saw in a museum last month.

17) My nephew Shawn wanted to buy me a shopping trolley with wheels for my birthday, because he worries that the weight may hurt my arms.

Life is over for me….please please 50 Cent come get me before it’s all too late for me to bend.

0 Comments

Rank it:

Things are making me crazy lately; I always get freaked out this time of year as I prepare to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. The organisation alone makes me feel like I have to be one of those mystical Hindu Gods with seventeen arms and possibly two heads. Luckily I do have help, but I still worry sick about the tiny details.

To make matters worse my daughter Ashley told me that whenever she does anything wrong she worries incessantly that I will be so disappointed with her and she tries not to tell me stuff and instead tells her dad. That makes me feel bad so we talked about it.
Am I that judgmental? Am I that scary?

So we discussed, when we were in Glastonbury Ashley unfolded a small pop up tent we bought as an addition to the big tent as we decided that because we never had a car to store luggage- a pop up tent was the answer to our problems…anyway Ashley popped up the tent and then promptly snapped it broke within two seconds of it opening.

I apparently sighed loudly…so loudly…she felt terrible about her mistake and used this incident as an example of my overwhelming disappointment at her.

I was astounded at her saying this, I did sigh loudly, I was fucked off she broke the thing within three seconds of opening it…but then I immediately assured her that it was all ok. The most important thing was to get it up and get the luggage inside as we were being flooded.

But that didn’t count…I sighed…and she felt crushed.

I have no idea how to fix this issue, I have told her that no matter what she does – she must tell me, I will be disappointed BUT I will lie, cheat and even kill to protect her and would do so willingly.

Being a mother is hard.

Husband is exempt from this psychological torture, he apparently doesn’t care what she does and reassures her that all is well and she can tell him anything. Does that make me Hitler?

My reckoning is this…husband has disappointed me so much in life and is used to making mistakes so Ashley and he have an empathy that I don’t.

I am wrong aren’t I?

I make loads of mistakes and I talk about them and discuss where and why I went wrong. I am sure I disappoint loads of people but I cant do everything right every time and I explained this to Ashley. I am not always disappointed in her, I am allowed to be either annoyed or shocked at something she did, but I will always stand by her.

I think somewhere along the line I have damaged her and I feel bad.

0 Comments

Rank it: