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A mate called me last week and as she is single she discussed certain things a man must DO and NOT DO to be on a list of possible boyfriends. Now I thought this was awful but then I realised I too have an agenda that my man must follow. For example, I know I could never have married or gave up my womb to reproduce with any man who used the word ‘Zeitgeist’ in his everyday language. There are other words I have banned from coming out of my husbands mouth and I have made a list. • Soporific • Cognoscenti • Latte double hit • Anything that is preceded by the word ‘Uber’ like Uber-excited • The saying ‘amongous’ like to say ‘chocolate-amongous’ as to express lots of chocolate. There are also things he cannot wear or I will divorce him…for example- • Wearing cuffed track suit bottoms with leather shoes and white socks. • Acrylic tank tops with a white shirt beneath. • Football tops of any kind EVER. • A fake tan. • A beanie hat. • Leather sandals of any style. • Jewellery of any kind. • A tattoo or nipple ring. • Busy Christmas sweaters with reindeer or trees. There are also sayings he cannot come out with or I will go to a beach and fake my own death, here are a few of these examples. • “Darling lets go to Macramé classes and make beaded pot holders” • “Janey I adore taxidermy in birds, see my stuffed peacock?” • “I love making seashells into lampshades” • “Do you fancy trying dogging?” • “Let’s go hill walking” • “Do you like my fake tan?” • “Madonna is a wonderful writer of children’s books” • “Don’t you think Victoria Beckham is gorgeous?” • “Do you think I would suit a pipe?” He knows all of these topics are off limits and I am not saying he wants any of these things, but in my mind they are the worst things a man can say other than “ I like stabbing babies” which is horrendously off limits and I don’t know anyone who would say that…but it was an extreme example. So my pal is right, she should have a list of things she looks for in a man. There are good things men can say and do like… • Cleaning. • Ironing. • Raising babies. • Cleaning out a Hoover. • Going to the late night shops for cookies. • Hand washing your underwear. • Cooking. I suppose that’s a bit much to ask, but it’s worth a try. There are no comments. |